Paranoia Strikes Deep - Realizing Your Worth

The other night I had a dream that I stabbed some unknown person.  This unknown person (in my dream) was a manager at my "work".  It was not really a manager, nor was it really my work, but that's how it was in my dream.

I woke up very disturbed at not just the content, but it was incredibly graphic dream as well and I was in a panic the whole time.  Because I stabbed someone.  Good time to panic.  It was not just like I stabbed him out of anger, but it was premeditated to the point of doing research to find out the exact place to put the knife to ensure he would die and a plan to cover it up afterward.

Yeah, that messed me up for the whole day and now going back to it in my mind I am really disturbed.

I decided to check online to see what it could mean and was not shocked to see this:

To dream that you stab someone indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature.


And the fact that it was a faceless person at my place of employment:  Perfect sense.


See, two weeks from yesterday, I will no longer be employed with PayPal.  Actually, I won't be employed anywhere.  This isn't news to me, as I've known for months that my contract was going to end, but I had recently found out that several of my co-workers were getting permanent positions.  And I am the only one who has been there that long without being converted to permanent.  


Now, my boss and my co-workers just love to tell me what a great job I do and how amazing I am.  As a naturally cynical person, I'm leery of these kind of compliments anyway, but in the present circumstances, I call full blown bull shit.


This has created an immense amount of paranoia.  I have a voice inside me telling me that all these people are lying, two-faced schmucks and I should avoid conversing with them at all costs. 


To say the least...my mental health is not doing well.  Like at all.  My self esteem has gone into the toilet, I can see the stress in my face and feel it in my muscles.   No one that I work with is a lying, two-faced schmuck.  Not at all.   They are all actually amazing people that I am really going to miss working with.  But I have this looming, angry, bitter fat girl somewhere in me saying that those bitches are sabotaging my every move and more importantly that I am a complete waste of space and have never done anything worthwhile ever in my life and my boss recognizes that and therefore doesn't want a crazy worthless sack of poo on her team of permanent employees.


As you can read in my last blog post, I am trying very hard to love myself and be gentler and more compassionate with myself.  And the whole stabbing-sack-of-poo-paranoia bit just doesn't fit in quite like I'd hoped.  


I've spent a lot of time this week just trying to love on me.  (yes, you can go ahead and get your masturbation jokes out of your system now).  I'm making it a point to recognize that bitchy fat girl voice as my "inner critic" so that I know that I need to stop listening to her.  I spend time listening for what I call my "sacred self".  Others call this the still, small voice or inner wisdom.  

One major moment happened yesterday while I was mulling over past jobs and how they ended.  I was thinking about how I never really felt like I was worth much of anything to any of my employers.  I started to try and comfort myself by thinking that it was time that I took responsibility for appreciating my worth instead of expecting it from others...especially from employers.  Then I heard it.  That still, small voice that said, "honey, you are worth far more than you realize."

This was the first time I heard my sacred self talking to me without me sitting in a quiet room and waiting to hear from her.  That is huge.  HUGE, people.













Huge.

Thanksgiving in September

So on Man vs. Debt today Adam challenged everyone to do three things.  One of which was to make a list of the things you are thankful for.  So here is my possibly cliche, probably obscure, certainly honest list:

• Number 1 is no doubt Daniel.  Everything awesome about my life can be traced back to this one amazing human being.  
• My job.  The fact that I have one, that I enjoy it (most days) and that I work with incredible people.
• My family.  This one is unbelievably complicated right now, but I am thankful for all aspects of those complications.  I love being an aunt, am blessed with fantastic in-laws who to me are not extended family anymore.  They are my parents, my sisters, my family and I love them so much.  I am thankful for all that I have learned about myself from my family and how to make myself a better person based on that knowledge.
• This is a sub-thank from family, but my brother Aaron is my second favorite person in the world and he deserves his own bullet.  To say that he has always been there for me is the understatement of the millennium and I love him so very much.  He is such an inspiration, always the voice of reason and everything a girl could ever ask for in a big brother.
• My friends.  Some of which are pretty much family now.  I am so well taken care of by them and holy crap what would I do without some of them?  I don't even want to imagine that world.
• My cats.  Yes, you are free to judge me.  I don't care.  Without those two balls of fur my home would be quite lifeless half the time and they definitely make things interesting.
• My car.  I have a strong emotional attachment to my Scion because it was the first good financial decision Daniel and I ever made.  It created a spiral effect of good financial decisions and I owe a lot of stress free rides back and forth to Missouri and Mississippi to this blue box.  Thanks to Japan for the affordable, reliable, fuel efficient toaster you have so graciously bestowed upon me.  
• Our old house in Hutto (that I no longer own).  We got lucky just even being able to buy the house, got lucky with no troubles while we lived there, then got hella lucky when we went to sell it.  It gave us a good chunk of change when we sold it and we were able to put a good down payment on our current house.  Don't get me wrong, I hated Hutto with passion, but that house was great.
• Skirts.  I love skirts.  That's all.
• This one is convoluted, but I am thankful for all the things I am going through now that are preparing me for things I am going to go through later.  Does that make sense?  I may be learning something today that I will need to know tomorrow, next week or ten years from now.  I love that life does that to you.  Prepares you for things without you even knowing it.  How clever. ;)
• Hard times.  Looking back on life, especially the last few years I realize that the times I grow more personally and grow in my relationships with others were during the most horrible of times.  They suck for sure, but out of those hard times have come some amazing results.  
• Vacation.  I can't imagine I really need to explain this one, but I love getting out of town.  Even if it's just for a couple of days, or to chill out with family. 
• My motorcycle.  That thing is loud and it's so pretty.  
• Titanium.  It holds my leg together nicely.  
• And last but not least:  Thanksgiving.  And 4th of July.  Those are the best holidays.  

Maybe you should think about your own list.  I know this isn't everything, but it's what is on my mind tonight.

Transparency

I'm starting a blog. Yes, I am about 10 years late on this bandwagon. I'm okay with it.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a very open book about most things. There's probably very little about me that most of you don't already know. I do try to keep the majorly negative things off Facebook because I don't want to be a huge Debbie Downer. Plus I am sure there are those who have far bigger problems than me and I don't want to seem like a big baby (but I totally am).

So guess where all the negative and too wordy for Facebook crap is gonna go? Right cheer.

I will tell you right now I am thus far having a fantastic year (knocks on wood). 2009 and 2010 kicked my ass and I am still in recovery from the physical pain 2009 caused and the emotional pain 2010 caused. Of course, according to certain people (one ass hole of a cop in New Braunfels to name one) believe that these instances were my own damn fault. And every day I struggle with the idea that they might be right. Maybe someday we'll get into that, but not today.

Also those who know me well know that I get new ideas for hobbies or interests regularly and I get really excited about it for one hot minute then I get bored and move on. I do have a few interests that I can't shake (motorcycles and paying bills [no really]) and I will more than likely talk about those things a lot.

My biggest interest is myself. I'm not kidding. I am fully aware of the fact that I am completely self-absorbed. I don't really have a terribly interesting life, but I find it absolutely fascinating!

My second biggest interest is my husband. I actually try to force myself to wait at least two sentences after meeting someone new before I start talking about Daniel. I don't typically last that long.

So anyway...all that rambling to say that this is my place to whine about how my leg hurts and how much I love my motorcycle and how much I paid toward my student loans and how awesome my husband is, etc.

First non-introductory post to follow. Probably tonight.