Gentleness

This post might very well go directly against many of your beliefs.  Please understand that while I respect your beliefs and would never try to convince you that they are wrong, I may not share your same views.  The views expressed in this blog are my own, and therefore are right for me.  Thank you for your understanding.

I was raised in a very Christian home.  

Christians, or at least Evangelical, Pentecostal (what have you) Christians believe that in their lives the priorities go like this:

1.  God

2.  Others

3. Yourself

And when I say that yourself is third, I mean yourself is not really to ever be considered.  It's all about living your life for God and serving others.  And in doing those two, you should be happy with your life.  

This has just occurred to me today, June 26, 2012 that this order is in exact contradiction to where I want and need my life to be right now.   

First off, if you don't already know, I am agnostic.  I believe in a higher power, I just don't believe that we have the capacity for comprehending what all that entails.  Therefore I will not devote my life to one person's or one group's idea of what that higher power is.

So right there, putting God first doesn't work for me.  I don't know what God is, and I surely don't know what is required of me to put him/her/it first.  

I have always considered myself to be incredibly selfish and self absorbed.  The past few years(since realizing I am agnostic) I have prided myself on the fact.  I rarely put others first anymore.  This goes back to having "servanthood" preached at me while being treated like dirt by those doing the preaching.  Doing things for others made me miserable because the individuals I was trying to serve were not worthy of such respect. I would say it took me a while to get over that, but I am not entirely sure I am over it yet.  

Recently I have surrounded myself with people who talk a lot of about self love.  And today, it hit me hard that I have no idea what that means.

Selfishness and Self Love I don't believe have anything to do with one another.  Or at least, they are not the same thing.  I don't do selfish things out of love for myself.  I don't know why I do them exactly, but that is something for me to reflect on.

So today I decide that my goal is to learn more about Self Love and to figure out how to do just that.  Because no matter what I do, I can't truly love anyone else until I learn to love myself.  I am seeing this as a long term goal that will probably never actually be finished.  But I deserve to find out.  

I have not once in my life really considered loving myself or making that a priority.  I think it began with the Christian order of priorities and then when I let myself drop the first one, my priorities have been all over the place.  No plans have been made to prioritize my spiritual life.  After dealing with so much order and strict requirements in the Christian Institution, I really needed to allow myself some freedom.  

But now is the time to get realigned.  I am adjusting to a lot of physical changes in my life.  I have a new apartment to adjust to.  A new car.  A new schedule that my husband is on with work.  I am soon going to be adjusting to a new career.  I love changes and right now, amidst all the chaos seems like the perfect time to figure out a new way to think about, act toward and treat myself.  

My goal this week is to simply become aware of my emotions. To live consciously.  

Something my nutritionist posted on her Facebook wall a long time ago and I just found it today:

Discipline is a crucial part of the path but it arises out of a compassionate need to prevent future suffering, not a hostile crusade, to correct, punish or improve oneself. Always be gentle on yourself.

Gentleness is never something that I have applied toward myself.  Gentle is probably the last thing I think of when I think about myself.  

These are the words I want to focus on:  Compassion, Gentle

I love that even though Carly posted that on her business FB wall almost a year ago, it never occurred to me to look at her wall before today.  How anyone can claim that there are not higher powers at work within us is beyond me.  I am going to accept this gentle encouragement today as my push to the new Heather.  

My lunch yesterday came with a fortune cookie.  I opened it up, thought it was not that great and left it on my desk.  I typically throw my fortunes away, but for some reason I didn't this time.  I came into the office today, saw it and immediately felt like I had been spoken to.  

Then I brought it home and let Eva munch on it for a while.  Because that's what she loves to do.