Paranoia Strikes Deep - Realizing Your Worth

The other night I had a dream that I stabbed some unknown person.  This unknown person (in my dream) was a manager at my "work".  It was not really a manager, nor was it really my work, but that's how it was in my dream.

I woke up very disturbed at not just the content, but it was incredibly graphic dream as well and I was in a panic the whole time.  Because I stabbed someone.  Good time to panic.  It was not just like I stabbed him out of anger, but it was premeditated to the point of doing research to find out the exact place to put the knife to ensure he would die and a plan to cover it up afterward.

Yeah, that messed me up for the whole day and now going back to it in my mind I am really disturbed.

I decided to check online to see what it could mean and was not shocked to see this:

To dream that you stab someone indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature.


And the fact that it was a faceless person at my place of employment:  Perfect sense.


See, two weeks from yesterday, I will no longer be employed with PayPal.  Actually, I won't be employed anywhere.  This isn't news to me, as I've known for months that my contract was going to end, but I had recently found out that several of my co-workers were getting permanent positions.  And I am the only one who has been there that long without being converted to permanent.  


Now, my boss and my co-workers just love to tell me what a great job I do and how amazing I am.  As a naturally cynical person, I'm leery of these kind of compliments anyway, but in the present circumstances, I call full blown bull shit.


This has created an immense amount of paranoia.  I have a voice inside me telling me that all these people are lying, two-faced schmucks and I should avoid conversing with them at all costs. 


To say the least...my mental health is not doing well.  Like at all.  My self esteem has gone into the toilet, I can see the stress in my face and feel it in my muscles.   No one that I work with is a lying, two-faced schmuck.  Not at all.   They are all actually amazing people that I am really going to miss working with.  But I have this looming, angry, bitter fat girl somewhere in me saying that those bitches are sabotaging my every move and more importantly that I am a complete waste of space and have never done anything worthwhile ever in my life and my boss recognizes that and therefore doesn't want a crazy worthless sack of poo on her team of permanent employees.


As you can read in my last blog post, I am trying very hard to love myself and be gentler and more compassionate with myself.  And the whole stabbing-sack-of-poo-paranoia bit just doesn't fit in quite like I'd hoped.  


I've spent a lot of time this week just trying to love on me.  (yes, you can go ahead and get your masturbation jokes out of your system now).  I'm making it a point to recognize that bitchy fat girl voice as my "inner critic" so that I know that I need to stop listening to her.  I spend time listening for what I call my "sacred self".  Others call this the still, small voice or inner wisdom.  

One major moment happened yesterday while I was mulling over past jobs and how they ended.  I was thinking about how I never really felt like I was worth much of anything to any of my employers.  I started to try and comfort myself by thinking that it was time that I took responsibility for appreciating my worth instead of expecting it from others...especially from employers.  Then I heard it.  That still, small voice that said, "honey, you are worth far more than you realize."

This was the first time I heard my sacred self talking to me without me sitting in a quiet room and waiting to hear from her.  That is huge.  HUGE, people.













Huge.