Failed Religion: A Melodramatic Blog Post

I've been told for years about your wonders.  I've heard people sing your praises.  People I trust told me that you were the best thing that could have happened to them.  So after much skepticism, I took the leap of faith and put my trust in you.  You are the King, or so I've heard, so what was there to worry about?  Nothing.  I started to believe.  I had no doubts in your powers.  

You...almighty Lord of the Paint Primers.  Interior, exterior, wood, metal, sheet rock...you had all the bases covered.  At the reasonable price of $22.94 per two gallons, I had no choice but to swallow my pride and accept you as my savior from high gloss painted and un-matching walls...or as I've learned to call it: Sin.  

Kilz, you were to be my own personal Primer Messiah and I welcomed you with open arms.  

So I worked feverishly in your honor.  I prepared for your arrival following your guidelines to a "T" to ensure that  when the time came, you would look favorably upon my diligence and faithfulness and bestow upon me your blessings.

So why then, Lord Kilz, have you left me wanting?  I don't mean to question you, clearly I must've done something wrong to deserve a punishment so severe.  I checked with my friends that brought me to you and they all give me a look of shock to find out that after 3 coats, the sin underneath is still glaring back at me.  I can feel their judgement on me as I wallow in self-pity over my plight.  Why Kilz, why?!  Have I not feared you enough?  Did I insult you with my procrastination?  Or is it that the sins of a year ago (painting the walls chocolate brown) so awful that I have not paid my full retribution for them?  Please tell me what I can do to win your favor.  This is clearly a test of my faith but I need guidance.  Please...do not abandon me just yet.

For the love of all that is Holy and Sacred, please let coat #4 cover over my sins and wash me clean of my past life.  

Thank you Lord Kilz for your graciousness

As for me and my house, we will serve the Kilz.

Amen