The Unglamorous Expat

As I sit in a Taco Bell in the touristy area of Madrid, a lot of contradictory thoughts hit me. 

Today, my brother graduates with his bachelors degree. He's 35 and the only one of us Gates kids to do so. It's a big deal. But I'm in Madrid. Because of work. I have taken three trips home to the US since Christmas.  I simply can't justify another trip.  But it's a bit like torture not to be there for this. 

My mom is there. She seems to be really enjoying herself. She's wearing the outfit we picked out for her for my fathers memorial just last month. God, was that only last month?  

And I'm in Madrid. On a work trip that I spread across a weekend to get a chance to spend some down time here. But downtime is a bit tricky right now. Downtime should mean doing whatever I want and enjoying the new and exciting city. But downtime lately means, I'm not busy so my mind goes back to all the dark places I haven't had time to go. Too many things happened in too short a time.  I feel as though I've aged 5 years in the past two months.  And it's tough for an extrovert who wants to talk to people when you don't speak the language and you're sadness will just show up out of nowhere and make you cry in a busy bar on a Friday night. Can't imagine why people don't want to talk to me. 

And I'm in Taco Bell. In Madrid. I know it seems to make no sense or to be a silly, unadventurous American thing to do. But when I'm in Singapore, I go to Chilis. You know why?  Because I don't have Taco Bell or Chilis where I live.  And while I'd rarely, if ever, go to these places in the US, it's a nice treat I give myself when I'm traveling. I don't get the option to go back to familiar every time I return "home."  And if I forced myself into adaptation at every turn, I'd go insane. So you can judge me if you think appropriate but you don't live my life. I do. And I enjoyed the crap out of this crunch wrap supreme.  

I had to leave Sydney in a hurry. My dad was in the hospital and the phrase, "nothing more we can do," was said by doctors and it was clear this was it. I'm thankful for a friend talking me into going back to TX. I'm less thankful for the kidney infection that left me sick as a dog and $900 poorer that week I was meant to spend with my dad.  The stress of thinking you might be contagious with a hospice patient in the house is inexplicable. Especially when that patient is your dad and your desperate to get some chats with him in while you can but the cancer has made it to his brain and my once intelligent, wise and insightful father can't remember how many dogs he has. 

I have tried to take a social media hiatus. It's gotten too stressful, too political and I found myself jealous of the silliest things. Why can they afford that giant house?  Why did so many people go to her going away party?  Why have so many commented on her note about her fathers passing?  It's all silliness. But my heart is not exactly in a steady and mature place right now. So instead of judging myself for the pettiness, I removed myself. 

I'm dealing with rejection from someone I trusted. When I was in a dark place, they told me they couldn't handle it and that was that. Do you know what that feels like?  To know you are at your worst and to lose a friend because of it?  And yes, maybe they weren't that great of a friend in the fist place, but silly me thought they were. Cest le vie, I suppose.  Maybe someday I'll find I'm better off without them. But rejection hurts no matter what. 

Also, I really need to learn Spanish.  These Madrid trips are going to be painful without. 

Also, I hope no one reads this. But I've got to get it out. Lest it eats away at me. 

Relying on the Man

Last week I got a call from my sister in law, Jenny (brother's wife) who was asking for advice on molding her resume to be sent in for a job she is not even remotely qualified for, but that she thought would be fun. (side note:  I love her outlook on life.  So refreshing!)

My brother and Jenny both work for a large regional bank that recently merged with another bank.  And much like any medium to large company, they lay people off whenever the numbers tell them to.   Well, the numbers told them to lay-off 200 employees in Q3.  Both Aaron and Jenny were spared in this massacre, but as anyone would be in their situation, they are a little leery of their future with the company.  

I talked to Jenny again this morning and she was telling me that she was warned that her job class could be eliminated.  Well, they are doing what companies do when they know they want to lay someone off:  they start coming up with reasons to fire people so they don't have to pay severance or unemployment claims.  

This nauseates me.  Not because of what the company is doing, but that the livelihood of my favorite relatives are being threatened because they are reliant on a faceless monster of a company for their entire income.  

My husband and I went through this past summer dealing with something similar.  I was losing my contract job with a mega-company in August and his mega-company decided it would be fun to play yo-yo with him, his job assignment and my mental well-being.   I was absolutely blown away by how much anxiety can be placed on us by those faceless monsters.   They literally control our lives, whether we want to admit or accept it is irrelevant.   

Well my attempt at gaining control over my future is moving along.  Slowly, but surely.

If you want to check out my website, please do so!

  Austin Professional Organizer

Let It Shine

Tonight is the last night I will go to bed with the intention of getting up and going to work the next day.

Tomorrow is my last day as a gainfully employed member of society. 

Tomorrow is the day I take my Light from under a cubicle and LET IT FUCKING SHINE.

I was apparently not so great at my job.  This bothered me greatly for most of the spring leading into summer.  It bothers me a little bit still, I won't lie.

But had I been good at scheduling interviews for mostly inconsiderate, non-communicative software engineers with an insane sense of entitlement, I'd have a job there on Monday.  But thank God, my lucky stars, the universe, karma, Dharma and Greg that I was apparently not that good at it.  Because on Monday, I try my hand at doing whatever I want to do.  

This is great for a lot of reasons, but here are the two that matter:

1.  I was tired of busting my ass trying to get someone else to recognize my worth and failing.

2.  Now I call the shots.  I give all the important projects to me.  I get all the promotions.  I get all the raises.   I am called into all the important meetings and am asked my opinion about the big important crap.  When I give advice, change is implemented immediately based on what I think.  Here's why:  

The only person to whom I have to prove my worth IS ME.

So thank you, PayPal for giving me back my worth.  I'm going to take much better care of it than you or any other company ever could.

Hide it under a bush, OH NO!  

I'm gonna let it shine!

Hide it under a bush, OH NO!

I'm gonna let it shine!

Hide it under a bush, OH NO!

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it Shine

Let it SHINE

LET IT SHINE!!

Paranoia Strikes Deep - Realizing Your Worth

The other night I had a dream that I stabbed some unknown person.  This unknown person (in my dream) was a manager at my "work".  It was not really a manager, nor was it really my work, but that's how it was in my dream.

I woke up very disturbed at not just the content, but it was incredibly graphic dream as well and I was in a panic the whole time.  Because I stabbed someone.  Good time to panic.  It was not just like I stabbed him out of anger, but it was premeditated to the point of doing research to find out the exact place to put the knife to ensure he would die and a plan to cover it up afterward.

Yeah, that messed me up for the whole day and now going back to it in my mind I am really disturbed.

I decided to check online to see what it could mean and was not shocked to see this:

To dream that you stab someone indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature.


And the fact that it was a faceless person at my place of employment:  Perfect sense.


See, two weeks from yesterday, I will no longer be employed with PayPal.  Actually, I won't be employed anywhere.  This isn't news to me, as I've known for months that my contract was going to end, but I had recently found out that several of my co-workers were getting permanent positions.  And I am the only one who has been there that long without being converted to permanent.  


Now, my boss and my co-workers just love to tell me what a great job I do and how amazing I am.  As a naturally cynical person, I'm leery of these kind of compliments anyway, but in the present circumstances, I call full blown bull shit.


This has created an immense amount of paranoia.  I have a voice inside me telling me that all these people are lying, two-faced schmucks and I should avoid conversing with them at all costs. 


To say the least...my mental health is not doing well.  Like at all.  My self esteem has gone into the toilet, I can see the stress in my face and feel it in my muscles.   No one that I work with is a lying, two-faced schmuck.  Not at all.   They are all actually amazing people that I am really going to miss working with.  But I have this looming, angry, bitter fat girl somewhere in me saying that those bitches are sabotaging my every move and more importantly that I am a complete waste of space and have never done anything worthwhile ever in my life and my boss recognizes that and therefore doesn't want a crazy worthless sack of poo on her team of permanent employees.


As you can read in my last blog post, I am trying very hard to love myself and be gentler and more compassionate with myself.  And the whole stabbing-sack-of-poo-paranoia bit just doesn't fit in quite like I'd hoped.  


I've spent a lot of time this week just trying to love on me.  (yes, you can go ahead and get your masturbation jokes out of your system now).  I'm making it a point to recognize that bitchy fat girl voice as my "inner critic" so that I know that I need to stop listening to her.  I spend time listening for what I call my "sacred self".  Others call this the still, small voice or inner wisdom.  

One major moment happened yesterday while I was mulling over past jobs and how they ended.  I was thinking about how I never really felt like I was worth much of anything to any of my employers.  I started to try and comfort myself by thinking that it was time that I took responsibility for appreciating my worth instead of expecting it from others...especially from employers.  Then I heard it.  That still, small voice that said, "honey, you are worth far more than you realize."

This was the first time I heard my sacred self talking to me without me sitting in a quiet room and waiting to hear from her.  That is huge.  HUGE, people.













Huge.

Project: Jewelry Corner

We just moved into our new apartment a couple weeks ago.  We went from a 2300 sqft house to a 700 sqft apartment.  I love it!  I feel so much more at home in a cozy space. :)

In the house I had a closet larger than one of the spare bedrooms, so I had plenty of room to let my jewelry run rampant and be displayed anyway I wanted.  Well, most of the display options there were too large for this place.  Which is awesome because I got to come up with a new one!

Here is the before picture.  The bedroom door is just to the left of this picture.  Obviously covering the breaker box without blocking it was a priority.  I just found this area to be perfect for a "girly corner" since it is on "my" side of the bedroom. :)

During. After a couple hours of shopping for what I had in mind, I came across other things I liked better. :) 

Cork Board from Michael's: $14. Shelf from Target (half of a 2 pk): $15 (or $7.50 for just the one  The other will be claimed by my "office space"). Curtain Rod: Already had. Gold paper clips from Office Max (you'll see em later): $2. Total Cost: $23.50.

Finished! 

Well, I still want to get a hanging pendant lamp for light and to put a small mirror somewhere.  

Probably will put the mirror on the back of the door.

I couldn't find the right thing to use for hooks to hold my necklaces.  Most of the curtain rod or towel holder solutions on Pinterest used S Hooks or shower curtain rings.  I though those were both too big for my tiny curtain rod and too expensive. I had given up, was in the office supply aisle of Target, I saw paper clips and I had an epiphany! So off to Office Max I went in search of pretty paper clips. Gold? Yes Please!!

You can see the paperclips here. Which were not as easy to bend to my will as I would've liked.

Something that always makes me smile: This is the box my engagement ring came in. When Daniel and I were first dating we had played the game Battleship a few times. 

On one of our early dates he gave me one of the red markers with a note that said, 

"You're always a Hit with me." Awwww. 

I managed to hold onto that for going on 10 years and 7 moves.

Cork board from Michael's. I had planned on doing a frame with cork inside, but couldn't find what I wanted for less than a fortune. This worked out perfect. This holds all my french hoop earrings with plenty of room for more.  What I like is that it has a plush backing on it so my earrings are nice and stuck in there without hitting wall.

Sorry for the terrible lighting! This is the dress I wore on NYE this year in NOLA. It's a little big for me now and covers the breaker box well without blocking it entirely in case we need to get there.  Also included is the white and gold feather boa I bought at Jackson Square and the Tiny Top Hat headband I wore.  I want to find a way to get my pink sequin shoes on display here too.  

The shelf holding my stud earrings and all two of my bracelets.

 Here I am standing at the door to my bedroom as it's closed. When it's open this whole corner is blocked. So the girlyness does not overwhelm the room which happens to occupy a man 1/2 the time.

Let me know what you think!  Also tell me about any other projects you've worked on. :)

I know there aren't many projects on this blog, but I have lots to work on!  So check back and I might have something new soon!

Gentleness

This post might very well go directly against many of your beliefs.  Please understand that while I respect your beliefs and would never try to convince you that they are wrong, I may not share your same views.  The views expressed in this blog are my own, and therefore are right for me.  Thank you for your understanding.

I was raised in a very Christian home.  

Christians, or at least Evangelical, Pentecostal (what have you) Christians believe that in their lives the priorities go like this:

1.  God

2.  Others

3. Yourself

And when I say that yourself is third, I mean yourself is not really to ever be considered.  It's all about living your life for God and serving others.  And in doing those two, you should be happy with your life.  

This has just occurred to me today, June 26, 2012 that this order is in exact contradiction to where I want and need my life to be right now.   

First off, if you don't already know, I am agnostic.  I believe in a higher power, I just don't believe that we have the capacity for comprehending what all that entails.  Therefore I will not devote my life to one person's or one group's idea of what that higher power is.

So right there, putting God first doesn't work for me.  I don't know what God is, and I surely don't know what is required of me to put him/her/it first.  

I have always considered myself to be incredibly selfish and self absorbed.  The past few years(since realizing I am agnostic) I have prided myself on the fact.  I rarely put others first anymore.  This goes back to having "servanthood" preached at me while being treated like dirt by those doing the preaching.  Doing things for others made me miserable because the individuals I was trying to serve were not worthy of such respect. I would say it took me a while to get over that, but I am not entirely sure I am over it yet.  

Recently I have surrounded myself with people who talk a lot of about self love.  And today, it hit me hard that I have no idea what that means.

Selfishness and Self Love I don't believe have anything to do with one another.  Or at least, they are not the same thing.  I don't do selfish things out of love for myself.  I don't know why I do them exactly, but that is something for me to reflect on.

So today I decide that my goal is to learn more about Self Love and to figure out how to do just that.  Because no matter what I do, I can't truly love anyone else until I learn to love myself.  I am seeing this as a long term goal that will probably never actually be finished.  But I deserve to find out.  

I have not once in my life really considered loving myself or making that a priority.  I think it began with the Christian order of priorities and then when I let myself drop the first one, my priorities have been all over the place.  No plans have been made to prioritize my spiritual life.  After dealing with so much order and strict requirements in the Christian Institution, I really needed to allow myself some freedom.  

But now is the time to get realigned.  I am adjusting to a lot of physical changes in my life.  I have a new apartment to adjust to.  A new car.  A new schedule that my husband is on with work.  I am soon going to be adjusting to a new career.  I love changes and right now, amidst all the chaos seems like the perfect time to figure out a new way to think about, act toward and treat myself.  

My goal this week is to simply become aware of my emotions. To live consciously.  

Something my nutritionist posted on her Facebook wall a long time ago and I just found it today:

Discipline is a crucial part of the path but it arises out of a compassionate need to prevent future suffering, not a hostile crusade, to correct, punish or improve oneself. Always be gentle on yourself.

Gentleness is never something that I have applied toward myself.  Gentle is probably the last thing I think of when I think about myself.  

These are the words I want to focus on:  Compassion, Gentle

I love that even though Carly posted that on her business FB wall almost a year ago, it never occurred to me to look at her wall before today.  How anyone can claim that there are not higher powers at work within us is beyond me.  I am going to accept this gentle encouragement today as my push to the new Heather.  

My lunch yesterday came with a fortune cookie.  I opened it up, thought it was not that great and left it on my desk.  I typically throw my fortunes away, but for some reason I didn't this time.  I came into the office today, saw it and immediately felt like I had been spoken to.  

Then I brought it home and let Eva munch on it for a while.  Because that's what she loves to do.

Hello Strange Blog Under My Name

You thought I forgot about you, didn't you?

Well I did for a while.

Life is hectic in a good way right now and I love it.

Lots of questions and concerns are just hanging around unanswered and amazingly...I am not stressing out about it.  How refreshing.