Today, my brother graduates with his bachelors degree. He's 35 and the only one of us Gates kids to do so. It's a big deal. But I'm in Madrid. Because of work. I have taken three trips home to the US since Christmas. I simply can't justify another trip. But it's a bit like torture not to be there for this.
My mom is there. She seems to be really enjoying herself. She's wearing the outfit we picked out for her for my fathers memorial just last month. God, was that only last month?
And I'm in Madrid. On a work trip that I spread across a weekend to get a chance to spend some down time here. But downtime is a bit tricky right now. Downtime should mean doing whatever I want and enjoying the new and exciting city. But downtime lately means, I'm not busy so my mind goes back to all the dark places I haven't had time to go. Too many things happened in too short a time. I feel as though I've aged 5 years in the past two months. And it's tough for an extrovert who wants to talk to people when you don't speak the language and you're sadness will just show up out of nowhere and make you cry in a busy bar on a Friday night. Can't imagine why people don't want to talk to me.
And I'm in Taco Bell. In Madrid. I know it seems to make no sense or to be a silly, unadventurous American thing to do. But when I'm in Singapore, I go to Chilis. You know why? Because I don't have Taco Bell or Chilis where I live. And while I'd rarely, if ever, go to these places in the US, it's a nice treat I give myself when I'm traveling. I don't get the option to go back to familiar every time I return "home." And if I forced myself into adaptation at every turn, I'd go insane. So you can judge me if you think appropriate but you don't live my life. I do. And I enjoyed the crap out of this crunch wrap supreme.
I had to leave Sydney in a hurry. My dad was in the hospital and the phrase, "nothing more we can do," was said by doctors and it was clear this was it. I'm thankful for a friend talking me into going back to TX. I'm less thankful for the kidney infection that left me sick as a dog and $900 poorer that week I was meant to spend with my dad. The stress of thinking you might be contagious with a hospice patient in the house is inexplicable. Especially when that patient is your dad and your desperate to get some chats with him in while you can but the cancer has made it to his brain and my once intelligent, wise and insightful father can't remember how many dogs he has.
I have tried to take a social media hiatus. It's gotten too stressful, too political and I found myself jealous of the silliest things. Why can they afford that giant house? Why did so many people go to her going away party? Why have so many commented on her note about her fathers passing? It's all silliness. But my heart is not exactly in a steady and mature place right now. So instead of judging myself for the pettiness, I removed myself.
I'm dealing with rejection from someone I trusted. When I was in a dark place, they told me they couldn't handle it and that was that. Do you know what that feels like? To know you are at your worst and to lose a friend because of it? And yes, maybe they weren't that great of a friend in the fist place, but silly me thought they were. Cest le vie, I suppose. Maybe someday I'll find I'm better off without them. But rejection hurts no matter what.
Also, I really need to learn Spanish. These Madrid trips are going to be painful without.
Also, I hope no one reads this. But I've got to get it out. Lest it eats away at me.
No comments:
Post a Comment